The Hard Facts

It’s hard to fall asleep when you are filled with so much rage and self-loathing. Browsing the Facebook profiles of much more interesting and beautiful people. Chugging Nyquil so that you can manage to crash out before you cry yourself to sleep. This is a battle ever over-thinker faces. Every detail of the day, week, month, year stuck in your head in an endless loop. It seems so many people can forget the stupid shit they do, but not you, you’re still embarrassed about that one time at the mall when you were seven when an old lady yelled at you when she thought you were stealing. This is my reality every day and night. Haunted by seemingly small things, a look or a whisper that you thought might have been about you, but somehow you have to keep living. You have to get up every fucking day and do what needs to be done. You are the quiet type stuck in your head, who nobody knows is literally screaming in their mind to break the monotonous feeling of life, and you picture that one Scrubs-like moment when you fantastically blow your head off to finally find sweet solitary silence.
In the midst of a bad break-up, friends leaving, sister’s marrying, and roommates moving when left with myself I realize there is no me. I have leaned on all of these people to find my identity. Being alone crushes me. It makes me realize how one-dimensional I truly am. I feel that all of these people have these true passions and issues that make their hearts sing and eyes water. Sure, I fake that. Me, I have a mild interest in the Palestinian and Israeli conflict that I emphasize to seem current. I am also in college going into Education and English. Sure that could be considered a passion, but I Sparknoted half of the novels I “read” and children are great, but what do I really know about them. Plus these are not the things that truly define a person, are they? At the beginning of all of my classes we have to do those stupid getting to know you exercises. The ones where you try to put yourself in a nutshell, and tell one interesting thing about yourself. I always panic when I have to do this because I realize just how much I do not have to say. Everybody else’s answers seem so brilliant and adult. I say uhhh…I like music, and that even hardly. I act like this music connoisseur, but really I don’t know my stuff. I run with my tail between my legs when I come across somebody who really knows their shit. The most painful exercise I had to do though was write down one thing that made me unique from everybody else, I stared at a blank piece of paper for 30 minutes and could not think of one thing. I need to find, I have to find that one thing, my one thing. What truly makes me me and what I stand for because I feel lost with no more crutches in my life, and being faced with this ever enclosing loneliness.

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